artifacts

my head burns of bold black headlines: “japan is sinking to the pacific”; “missiles are starting to rain down”. this earth that i walk on isn’t mine, but it isn’t anyone’s in the same manner. i blink and i tiptoe along through minutes, pursing red lips and glazed over eyes, blank expression ignoring throbbing ankles. things have been becoming unreal for some time now. it’s true: when things near their ends they become so outright unbearable. doubts sprout left and right from scattered loose seeds. somewhere, someone is blanketed in ignorance. somewhere, someone is warm, and safe, at least for now. but here, the fire in my cheeks will keep my hands thawed only for so long until frost will start to nip at them once again. natural winter or nuclear winter, somewhere, someone is feeling less unnerved than i am.

the world holds many possibilities; it’s too vast - the only way you could keep still is if you’re locked up inside your own invisible cage. had i known better i would have realized that the key to my own invisible cage was in my very own stomach all along, coating my insides with rust. it’s not too late. i may be learning to see and taste all over again, but it isn’t too late.

it feels good to sign my name this way again, the same way that it has been done for years. my fingers have rusted over and take ages to warm up, and my heart is burning with nostalgia. blue flames dancing beneath my sternum, sending goosebumps in waves across my skin, autonomic responsive. this head is a heavy burden upon my shoulders but when winter ends, i will make my return.
i’m not done just yet, i’m still here, and i’ve got a lot on my mind.

things come in thousands to me these days. a thousand times a minute i remember how much i miss you. one thousand thoughts per second sift through this mind. lightspeed. these hands are too cold to hold down my crumbling surroundings; they are frozen solid and numb. after all this time i had been wrong, you know. the things i chase around usually find ways to eventually poison themselves and fall apart, piece by little piece. it breaks my heart a thousand times over yet these days, these short and cold days, i am finally learning what is good for me.

there’s something about the way emotions creep up on you. numbness comes in tidal waves and acts like glue; when it recedes everything comes pouring in, making cracks. wishes are empty these days; when i find myself wishing for home i know that very thought will freeze over on the very next step i take. being home does not mean getting those lost minutes, hours, days back, no; home is where the future stares you in the face, surrounding you so you couldn’t even look away.
i had sleepwalked to this looking-glass world and had not tasted the difference upon my awakening. everything is backwards and upside down and i am slowly sinking into new levels of heartache.

 the need to confess, to express these weaknesses that i am chockfull of are contrasted by the constant nightmares pressing on me, daring me to break. i’d rather die than empty out that small warm place in my heart and destroy my being completely. if i get through this - through this week, this month, this winter, i will be more capable than i have ever been. my body craves rest; my overworked heart is begging to slow down but with all these nightmares riding me piggyback i mustn’t stop, not until spring. as much as i want to stop and admire things, to slow down and learn something about you because you caught my eye, this isn’t a time for love. winter turns feelings into sharp crystals, and until these days start to get long again, i must wait.